


This is Sempiternal

by thatSlytheringirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Implied Self-Harm, Implied Suicide Attempt, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 16:36:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16747636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatSlytheringirl/pseuds/thatSlytheringirl
Summary: It was only a matter of time before Chanyeol's demons took over...and it took only a handful of minutes before he lost the final battle with his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, SUICIDE THOUGHTS, IMPLIED SUICIDE ATTEMPT. DO NOT READ IF THIS COULD TRIGGER YOU PLEASE
> 
> Please do read the author's note that follows! 
> 
> This story is also posted on AFF

_“If this is really what you want, then so be it,” were Baekhyun’s final words before he finished packing the belongings he’d left in Chanyeol’s apartment through the months._

_Chanyeol couldn’t bear to see him leave, instead opting to stare at the wall ahead, focusing there. He knew Baekhyun had paused at the door and was probably looking at him, hopefully waiting for him to change his mind, but Chanyeol stood his ground. He knew it was best for Baekhyun to leave now before he finished damaging him further._

_Eventually, the smaller left as quietly as he’d first arrived one year before. And with him, he took was little existed of Chanyeol’s heart._

_Deep down, Chanyeol tried to tell himself he’d made the right choice. Baekhyun, who was so full of life and love, deserved to find someone just like him. He deserved only the best and Chanyeol, sadly, was the complete opposite._

_Still, even if he caused their breakup, Chanyeol couldn’t bear the pain his body had been consumed with. His legs had given away as soon as the door had been shut and he’d remained on the same spot on the floor for hours, his cheek pressed to the cold ceramic as tears left his eyes. He didn’t make a sound, though, since he felt too weak to do that much._

_“It’s what you deserve. You thought you could make someone like him happy. Yeah, sure. Someone as pathetic as you could never satisfy anyone. You’re a good for nothing piece of shit. When are you going to understand that, huh? When are you going to finally accept the fact that you are destined to be alone because you have nothing to offer to anyone? You brought all this pain and all this suffering to yourself. Your existence is a mistake. Someone else should’ve been born instead of you,” said The Voice, speaking softly to Chanyeol, muttering the words that Chanyeol had wanted to deny for so long._

_It was futile, though, He’d fucked up the life of an innocent, pure soul when he’d decided to date him. He’d made another mistake and now…now he was set to suffer for the rest of his miserable existence, having to endure the guilt and the shame of having tainted Baekhyun’s life with his filth._

_He should’ve walked away from the smaller the moment he saw him around campus. He should’ve never shown any interest. He should’ve kept his pathetic hope to himself. He should’ve protected Byun Baekhyun from the shit that was Park Chanyeol._

_No matter how much he’d wanted to make Baekhyun happy since the first moment they crossed paths during orientation the first day of their college days, Chanyeol knew he should’ve run away. He shouldn’t have done any of this. He should’ve known better._

_“You turned off that ever present bright smile from his face, Chanyeol. You ruined his life. You hurt him. You made him miserable. You don’t deserve to live,” murmured the voice once again._

_Closing his eyes, Chanyeol stood up as the The Voice continued to speak, uttering heartbreaking words that Chanyeol believed to be true. He grabbed a bottle of beer and chugged it as fast as he could. Then, grabbed a couple more and slid down to the floor, drinking one after the other, tears streaming down his face as regret consumed him._

_I’m sorry Baekhyun, he thought. I’m sorry I ruined your life._

 

The memory of Baekhyun’s departure still haunted him, but he didn’t blame anyone but himself. After all, Chanyeol understood well that all his problems were his fault. Whether it was his lack of friends or the nonexistent relationship with his parents, he had caused it all. But the one thing out of all of those that he hated the most was the fact that he somehow managed to lose the love of his fucking life.

Byun Baekhyun was a work of art sculpted by the gods themselves. Not only was he beautiful on the outside with his chiseled features, his perfectly smooth skin and pink rosy lips that tasted amazing to Chanyeol. Byun Baekhyun also had a beautiful soul, the kind that shone so beautifully and so brightly that everyone around was left blind by it. He had a heart of gold, of the purest in the world and a personality that anyone would die for. All in all, Byun Baekhyun was perfection personified.

And he had been Chanyeol’s, only for him to lose him in the end.

A couple of months had passed, yet Chanyeol’s heart still ached at the thought. He’d known from the start that it wouldn’t work, but a small part of him had felt hopeful. Too bad hoping hadn’t been enough.

Baekhyun deserved everything good in the world to happen to him while Chanyeol…Chanyeol was worthless.

“Yes, you know perfectly well that he was too good for you. Who would want a piece of useless trash like you, anyway?” Said _The Voice_ , as Chanyeol often called it.

“Shut up,” Chanyeol murmured, the ever-present tightness in his chest throbbing, before he took another swig of his bottle of vodka, the second one for the night.

“Look at you, drinking yourself to death as you regret losing someone that wasn’t even yours in the first place. Did you really think he loved you? Ha! What a joke! All he did was pity your sorry ass!”

“Please stop,” begged Chanyeol a little more loudly, but still not enough to completely shut _The Voice_ up.

“He’s probably with his new boyfriend right now. A much better one than you, obviously. Someone whole, someone worthy, someone up to his level. You could never compare.”

“Sehun isn’t his boyfriend. K-Kyungsoo told me so,” said Chanyeol weakly, trying to convince not only _The Voice_ , but himself.

“And you believe that? Nah, we both know he’s probably holding him right now, making sweet love to Baekhyun the way he likes it so much. Mmm, yeah, Baekhyun is probably holding on to him tightly, losing himself to how good Sehun is making him feel. Something you never could do. He probably faked it every time he did it with you.”

Chanyeol could picture Baekhyun in his mind, lying on his back as his face contorted with pleasure. He could picture the feeling of his soft, smooth skin underneath Chanyeol’s fingers as he explored every expanse of his body, his hips grinding against the smaller’s, worshipping him like he deserved. Baekhyun’s fingers would dig into his back, his legs wrapping tightly around his waist and prompting him to move faster and harder inside of him.

“Sehun, please,” he would moan out loud, though, and Chanyeol shook his head at the thought, trying to vanish such an image from his mind.

“That’s not true,” stuttered Chanyeol before he drank what was left of the bottle and grabbed a new one, his breathing becoming labored with every painful second that went by. “H-he isn’t that type of person.”

“What type? The one to fake orgasms or the type to date someone out of pity? He’s too nice, you know that. That’s why he was with you.”

“Shut up!” Snapped Chanyeol, his entire body shaking as desperate tears fell down his cheeks.

 _The Voice_ , though, didn’t shut up. It never did. Instead, it laughed, and it mocked Chanyeol as the brunet kept stalking Baekhyun’s Instagram.

“He deleted all his pictures with you. Oh and look at all the updates with Sehun,” said _The Voice_ as Chanyeol continued to scroll down.

“He’s so good looking, though. Look at those high cheekbones, at his sharp jaw and at those deep-set eyes. No wonder Baekhyun forgot about your sorry ass so fast.”

Chanyeol had to agree, despite the pain it caused him. He’d always found Sehun incredibly attractive. One would have to be blind to think otherwise. The guy could seriously become a model with his broad shoulders, perfectly sculpted muscles and seriously handsome face. Not only that, but the guy had a great personality, being one of the nicest people he had ever met. And funny too. He’d never been jealous of him concerning Baekhyun, though, since Sehun had been dating Luhan. Too bad they broke up some weeks after Chanyeol and Baekhyun did.

In other words, he honestly believed Baekhyun and Sehun probably had a romantic relationship now. And even if it hurt, he honestly could never blame them.

“He’s everything you’re not. He’s so handsome while you’re…you. You’re disgusting. Your face is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your hair is disgusting, your entire appearance is disgusting. Look at yourself, nothing in this world could ever fix your appearance. If only you had the personality to make up for your looks, though. But you don’t. You’re dull, you’re boring, and you’re stupid. My goodness, have you ever met someone as stupid as you? You don’t know how to socialize properly. You’re so pathetic and unlovable. No wonder Baekhyun left you for Sehun. You’re the complete opposite.”

Chanyeol kept trying to ignore _The Voice_ , he really did. He tried his best to calm himself, he tried to use the methods his therapist had taught him. But nothing worked. Nothing ever did. Not even the alcohol.

And the treacherous memories only served as a reminder of how foolish he’d been. Not necessarily at letting Baekhyun go, since it was plain obvious to him that Baekhyun was better off living his life happily elsewhere with someone that deserved him. No, what he regretted was ever going near him.

“Oh, he uploaded a story! I bet Sehun’s in it. Open it! Torture yourself more!”

And Chanyeol did just as _The Voice_ told him to. He pressed the circle and waited for it to load. Indeed, a smiling Baekhyun was with a laughing Sehun. They really were together, eating out at Baekhyun’s favorite restaurant. Baekhyun looked happy, radiant as ever, a huge smile taking over his features as he smiled at the camera with Sehun by his side, both singing along to a song Chanyeol couldn’t be bothered to recognize.

It was for the best if Baekhyun moved on. If he was happy, that was all that mattered. If his soul was cleaned up from the disgusting filth Chanyeol had corrupted it with, then maybe Baekhyun could move on. He probably did already, from what Chanyeol gathered. And that was great.

“Moved on from what? Feeling sorry for you? He never actually loved you and you now that. What you thought was love was only pity. He never cared the way you hoped.”

“Shut up,” he muttered, sobs already escaping his chapped lips, before he went to his phone’s gallery and started to pass the pictures saved, all of them of Baekhyun. He should’ve deleted them long before. He didn’t deserve to have any reminder of the smaller, but Chanyeol didn’t care. They served as a reminder of the only good thing he ever had in his life…which was also his biggest regret.

He’d lost Baekhyun, but he shouldn’t have been his in the first place.

And while the memory of Baekhyun haunted him everyday… that wasn’t all.

“You didn’t only lose him. You lost your beloved sister too. She probably felt too disgusted to keep putting up with you. Same with your parents. That’s why they never call you anymore. They never gave a fuck but tried to seem like they did. Congratulations, though, you uncovered their pathetic lies.”

As much as he wanted to deny such statement, Chanyeol really couldn’t find it in himself to do so. His family had stopped contacting him months before. Their only interactions came from the occasional reminder that they had sent him more money to pay his expenses. Apart from that, they never really asked or cared about his wellbeing. Family was supposed to love you unconditionally, but that kind of love had a limit, apparently. Not that he blamed them. After all…

“You deserve nothing because you are worth nothing,” finished _The Voice_ for Chanyeol.

And that was true.

Sometimes Chanyeol wanted to hate them all. If they truly cared, they would have tried harder to stay by his side. But a rational part of him knew and understood why they didn’t.

“You can’t be loved,” said the _The Voice_ , reiterating what it had been saying all of Chanyeol’s life.

“I’m unlovable, yeah,” murmured Chanyeol weakly as he gulped down some of the alcohol in his hand. “I’m worthless.”

“Completely. No one ever wanted you and no one ever will. They always realize how shitty you are and then leave. That’s all it’s ever going to be with you. You should already know that by now.”

Chanyeol stared up at the ceiling deep in thought. Yeah, _The Voice_ was right. He was meant to be alone forever.

“Forever? As if you’ll live that long! Why don’t you just kill yourself right now and get it over with!” Exclaimed _The Voice_.

Chanyeol had always tried his best to ignore _The Voice_ when it said stuff like that. He’d always held the slightest glimmer of hope that it was wrong. He was worth at least something, right? He had to have been born for a reason. He was sure of that.

Or was he?

After all the proof he’d gathered through the years of how little he meant to everyone and how shitty he was, he’d slowly started to believe. It was bound to happen, especially after losing everyone he loved. And over what?

“Over simply existing, you dipshit. Don’t you get it by now? They left because they never cared. No one ever could care about you! You should’ve killed yourself long ago when I first suggested it. You could’ve saved them so much time and strain. Your family wouldn’t have had to pay so much for your education, your sister wouldn’t have had to keep a constant eye on you after you moved here to the city and Baekhyun wouldn’t have had to endure being fucked by filth like you. Everyone’s life would’ve been so much better if only you’d followed through with this long ago.”

Biting his lip, Chanyeol shook his head, trying to shut _The Voice_ up with what little bit of energy was left in his body.

“Come on, do it. Get it over with.”

“No, someone still cares,” murmured Chanyeol.

“No, they don’t and you know it. Stop lying. You say you love them, but if you really did, you wouldn’t hesitate. You know you’re only a burden to them. The more time you keep yourself here, the more money they’ll have to spend and the more they’ll have to tell people they care about you when it’s obviously a lie. If you die, then that would all be fixed, don’t you think?”

The pressure in Chanyeol’s chest was close to unbearable at that point, turning his breathing labored and difficult. He tried to calm down, though, but it didn’t work.

“I-I still have goals,” whispered Chanyeol, even though he knew that was lie. While he’d desired with everything in him to become a successful musician someday, that dream had died down gradually and silently, the promise for nothing other than darkness left behind in its wake. And while Chanyeol had once imagined himself living a long, happy life, that too had died. Now he didn’t even know what he would do with himself for the rest of his life.

“You’re a good for nothing disgusting piece of shit. Do it already, end it. No one will care. No one will lose anything. Actually, they will win. After so long, they’ll be free of you. You have nothing to leave behind, either way. You’re worth less than shit. So go ahead, do it.”

“No, I don’t want to,” replied Chanyeol, but his voice wavered at every word, giving away the sad reality that, indeed, he believed every word _The Voice_ was spewing.

“Just do it already. End it. Get it over with. There’s nothing left for you here.”

“It will hurt them. I know it will,” said Chanyeol, his chest hurting more than before as breathing became a painfully difficult task.

“No, it won’t. It’ll make them happy! They’ll celebrate. Just do it.”

“No! Shut up! That’s a lie!”

“It isn’t and you know I’m right. Just go ahead and do it."

“Shut the fuck up! I won’t…I can’t…” Chanyeol couldn’t even finish before he let his anxiety take over, his vision blurry with the endless tears that kept forming, following the others that had already fallen down his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak. His limbs shook, his chest hurt more than ever and his mind was filled with the words _The Voice_ had relentlessly thrown at him.

“Come one, Chanyeol. Do it already,” said _The Voice_ , a hint of mirth in every word it spoke.

And finally, after all the time he’d held on, Chanyeol figured it was time.

“Yes, yes! This is for the best, Chanyeol. It’s time to do it already,” hissed _The Voice_ in Chanyeol’s ear, its sentences dripping with pleasure because it knew it finally won. After all those years, after all the therapy and the efforts and the constant battles, Chanyeol finally lost the war.

Before he knew it, Chanyeol had dragged a piece of paper from one of the kitchen counters along with a pen he always kept around just in case. Then, he started to write whatever his body commanded him to. Tears fell on it, smudging the blank ink in certain spots, but Chanyeol didn’t care.

“Yeah, I like that. Apologize, Chanyeol. Ask for a forgiveness you know you don’t deserve. Go ahead, beg for it one last time,” said _The Voice_.

And that’s exactly what Chanyeol did. With shaky hands, he wrote and wrote until there was no more space left on the paper. And even then, he continued writing everywhere the pen touched: the floor, the cabinets, his arms, his legs, everywhere.

All logical train of thought left his mind along with any bit of self-love left in his body.

“I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. I’m disgusting. I should die. I hate myself. I’m shit,” he mumbled as he scrambled around, looking for his phone. He had one last thing to do before he left.

“Yes, you do. I’m glad you finally accept it,” said _The Voice_ with satisfaction.

“Yeah, I do, I do, I do, I do,” said Chanyeol as he unlocked his phone and typed the phone number he’d memorized by heart. He waited as it rang, the words “I do” still slipping past his lips.

“Chanyeol?” Asked Baekhyun, a note of concern and hope in his voice that Chanyeol sadly couldn’t register in the state he found himself in.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I lied, I lied to you, I love you so much. I love you,” he said, but the sobbing made it hard for the words to be understood.

“Hey, Yeollie, calm down. Breathe for me, please. It’s okay,” said Baekhyun, trying to use the reassuring tone of voice he’d reserved exclusively for Chanyeol.

“I’m sorry Baek. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” he said, more frantic than before, Baekhyun’s attempts at calming him down completely futile.

“Where are you right now? I’m coming over,” said Baekhyun, his voice shaking with concern.

“I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry, Baek, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry,” kept saying Chanyeol, his breathing becoming even more erratic, his voice shaking even more and his thoughts becoming more muddled than before.

“Hang up already. You did what you had to. It’s time, Chanyeol. Come on,” whispered _The Voice_ close to Chanyeol’s ear.

“Goodbye, I’m sorry. Goodbye. Goodbye,” he repeated as he dropped his phone to the ground. He barely registered Baekhyun’s screams calling out for him in the background, but he paid them no heed.

He had to do it. It was time to let go. He leaned back against a kitchen cabinet, his tears still falling, but determination settled in his mind. He grabbed the bottle of vodka without hesitating and acted per _The Voice’s_ instructions, leaving behind a piece of paper, the cabinets, the floor and his skin with one simple phrase scribbled over and over:

_I’m sorry._


	2. Author's Note

The story was written with the purpose of me venting. As you may notice from the content, I have a lot of shit in my head. And while I'd like to believe I'm relatively stable as I write this, truthfully, the slightest of triggers could send me over the edge. Maybe not with the intensity it did for Chanyeol, but enough to be worrying and to really mess up my day to day activities. That's why I decided to write this, to free my mind a little from everything inside it. And while many parts may seem really fucked up, sadly, that's how my mind works. 

I wish I could tell a different story for Chanyeol. I wish I could say Baekhyun saved him from his mental illness, but sadly, it doesn't work like that. Sure, Baekhyun tried his best (not mentioned in the story, so I figured I could put it out there), but it never worked, thus Chanyeol let him go. I tried to not romanticize it, but I don't know how successful I was at that. I'm still learning, so please be patient with me as I explore ways to portray mental illness without turning it into something it isn't. That would never be my intention, since all I want is awareness and understandment, without painting it as something beautiful it isn't.

Yes, this work is raw, it's dark, it's painful. But at the end of the day, mental illnesses are like that. And I hope that somehow I was able to show that.

The Voice, as you may have noticed, was merely Chanyeol's own mental illness. I tend to refer to my OCD as that, The Voice, because it helps me detach myself a little from it and to remember that while I have OCD and depression and SAD and anxiety and panic attacks, none of those are ME, none of those define me as a person. I am myself, I am not my mental illness. Thus, in this story, I tried to portray that with Chanyeol speaking to that side of himself. Sadly, he loses the war in the end.

Or does he? I wonder, do you all believe Baekhyun acted in time to find him before he passed away or not? What are you thoughts? I like to believe one thing, but I didn't mention what happened after because I preferred to have YOU, the reader, decide what exactly happened in the end. 

Either way, the intention of this author's note, along with all the explanations I just gave, is to also remind YOU, the reader, that things DO get better. Always remember that no matter how horrible things may same, no matter how dark the world me look to you, no matter how much it hurts, you can get through anything. I always tell myself that dealing with a mental illness is like fighting a never-ending war, with us having to confront it in multiple battles every hour of every day. The thing is, though, whether we are willing to lose the war or not. We will lose battles, that's inevitable. Fighting constantly against your demons is exhausting. That doesn't mean we have lost everything. Whether we are going through a rough patch like me right now, or whether you are going through a much brighter and better path, always remember that life is beautiful no matter what. 

And also, before I leave, I would like to remind you: I'm rooting for you! EXO are rooting for you! EXO-L are rooting for you! Your loved ones are rooting for you! Don't give up, loves. 

 

Songs that inspired this story:

Shadow Moses - Bring Me The Horizon

Can You Feel My Heart - Bring Me The Horizon

Snuff - Slipknot

 

If you ever feel the need to vent, even if I won't always have any good advice to give, feel free to slide into my DMs here or on Twitter (@creggcell) or on my CC that is linked in my Twitter. Have a nice day! Also, I'm currently writing 2 fics, both ChanBaek. I'll try my best to post them soon, but I've been busy, so they may take a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been thinking about writing a second part for this from Baekhyun's perspective and to find out what happened later. I still don't know for sure, though


End file.
